2,160 days. 12 states. 5 apartments.
Hot tears welled at the corners of my eyes. I dragged the bottom of my sandal against the rocky asphalt beneath us. For 10 seconds, the sun illuminated both of our reflections in the brown pools of our eyes. A lot of life, stories, and emotions swirling beneath them.
Gradually the teardrops fell. Proceeding to cascade, as we squeezed one another. For that moment, time flashed a million mph yet stood still in the same breath. The end of an era...
They always say your 20's are the time where you discover who you are. We spent half of ours together, doing exactly that. Learning through every season.
Holding each other up.
What people don't necessarily talk about is that sometimes, through all of that, you discover that maybe you're just not what you need for each other... The love is strong and very much real, but the balance is off. The translation doesn't fully compute. And coming to terms with that is a process in itself. Filled with a lot of struggle that happens behind the scenes.
We're two very strong-willed people, who don't give up easily. That "ride until the wheels fall off" mentality is drilled deeply into both of us. Where that becomes complicated, is in scenarios like these. Where you fight with every fiber of your being to TRY.
Try to see the light.
Try to look past the differences.
Try to justify why "with a little more time" it will change.
And many things did change. It's interesting to see the beauty of the people we've become. Both so different at the start of this relationship in 2015. Even for our shortcomings, we have still evolved into beautifully complex humans. Though as time passed, it became more apparent that maybe....all of the changes weren't meant to happen with us together forever.
There were nights I grappled with that thought in my head, and I was afraid. Because we're conditioned to never give up on love. We're conditioned to believe that if we "give up", that the love wasn't real.
However, I choose to believe there's also love so deep that you do what is best. Even when the "best" choice breaks your heart into a thousand little pieces. Sure, I could've held onto the fairytale of the life we were planning. I could have blocked these thoughts out of my mind...
But I didn't.
Because of that love.
Because I love him so much and I know if we kept this up, it would've had a long-term detrimental impact. And neither of us deserves that. We deserve to be happy and live in ways that make us happy. Love is always worth a sacrifice, but at what point does the sacrifice become constricting? No, arriving at my decision or having that conversation wasn't easy. It's truly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The man I've spent practically the last half-decade of my life drove away in a U-haul today.
My personality tendencies make it seem like I have it all together, but right now I feel like parts of me are slowly disintegrating like dust. My chest is tight, and everything surrounding me has some semblance of memory attached. Tears consistently streaming down my face...Though as time moves forward, I believe it will be the right thing. I see his future being so bright and I have no doubt he will now have more freedom to find what those sources of light are. I don't regret my choice because it was made out of love. It may not seem like it was right now, but I know for myself it was and I will always be able to live with that. We both accepted that in end too.
So I'll take those 2,160 days, 12 states, 5 apartments, and countless memories with me. They've shaped who I am today. They've made me grow in ways I never fathomed. They were so filled with love... I have no question about that. And as gutwrenchingly painfully, as this goodbye feels, I regret nothing.
Real love is never lost.
It hurts and I know it's going to hurt for a while, but that's the beautiful part too. It simply goes to show that it was worth it.