Everything I'm Not

I'm not laser focused. My mind literally jumps from 20 different things in less than a minute.I'm not good with suppressing my emotions. In fact, I tend to use them as the steering wheel of my decisions (Doesn't always turn out to be the best). I'm not good with routine. When my schedule and life becomes too structured, I start to feel restless (TBD on my progress for the 9-5 aspect of my life).

I'm not that great at communicating my feelings on tough subjects. I tend to shut down and just slowly disappear. It's easier to keep the peace and not ruffle feathers. Though it usually just ends up getting all my feathers tangled and matted behind the scenes. I'm not the super outgoing girl who needs to be the center of attention. I tend to be pretty reserved, unless I'm around an environment I feel at home in. Even then, sometimes I just absorb what's happening around me in between laughs and timid smiles. I'm not good at being careless. I care..like irrationally care, honestly way more than it might seem from the outside. I care about what people feel, say, and do.

But with all of these things and more that I'm not, is the balance of all the cemented parts of my character.

Not being laser focused, is where my creativity comes from. It's why I did a solo based on improvisation for a 3-night show. My mind generates ideas and concepts in a moments notice. It's also why I connect with a wide-range of people. I don't close myself off and judge others because I'm so focused on differences.Acting with my emotion has helped me become more in-tune with them. Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it opens the door to being connection. The passion behind my actions has made every moment (good or bad) raw and authentic. I feel in the deepest sense and use that as my impetus for living.

Not always falling into the structure of a routine, has made me adaptable. I'm open to collaboration and environments requiring unconventional thinking. I love innovation and the surprising uncertainty that tends to accompany it. Not always communicating my feelings...sometimes I wonder how this has ever really helped me, but I think I know. Wanting to keep the peace has helped me be a source of peace in situations. I somehow always fall into the peer mediator role. Hesitation to share my feelings also lends time to reflect. Diving into deeper consideration of what I'm saying, helps me clearly deliver my thoughts.

Being the wallflower has allowed me to see other wallflowers. Shying away from being the center of attention, I've discovered beauty in the places where people aren't paying attention. Voices of the quiet, thoughts of the soft-spoken, overlooked ideas that can be re-purposed for good. I can step up and lead, but I will never compromise my character to take control. Caring deeply has made me open and warm. I care and in turn want to make sure that others feel accepted and cared for. I want other people to feel support and I try to share that sentiment through the way I live and act.

I'm not perfect. I fall short. I lack qualities other people have. But there's a purpose because:

Everything I'm not made me everything I am.

And the same goes for you. <3

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© 2020 by Shelby Wilburn