Lately I've found myself in this flux of security and uncertainty. As I'm breaking down past archetypes of my character, I'm trying move into a new sense of myself. There's joy in discovering who I am now, but also a disappointment in letting my old ways go. I'm not sad to let them go, but upset that I allowed these traits to drive who I used to be.
I'm half past afraid.
I say "half past" because fear doesn't cripple me (nearly as much) anymore. I used avoid new situations completely. Now, I will at least show up (which is a major improvement in my eyes). Where that fear comes in now, is standing in a room full of people and shrinking. Feeling insecure that who I am isn't qualified enough to be there. So essentially, I'm in new spaces, but not fully present in them. Which speaks to the larger space I'm at in my life right now.
I am here in this moment, but I feel like so much of my mind, spirit, and soul is not fully present.
I'm thinking about the fact that I turn 30 in three years.
Thinking about the woman I want to be.
Thinking about my professional and creative aspirations.
Thinking about major life commitments and time clocks.
All things in the future.
Though when considering all of those things, I'm also drawn to thinking about the past.
Why did I make certain choices?
Why did I let irresponsible behaviors drive my life?
Why didn't I prepare properly?
Where could I have done more?
Back to that flux of security and uncertainty. I feel confident in who I'm becoming, but also frustrated it has taken so long to arrive at this intersection of change. I'm proud of my journey and where it's brought me, but I also question my validity. So much of my past was driven by pleasing others. I feel like I developed my character through the lens of other people, and now I'm starting to look beyond the veil. Rediscovering what fulfills me and exploring again. Which to be completely real, is terrifyingly uncomfortable at this age. And it presents the crossroad:
Do I keep going down the same road, or do I make a turn?
For the first time in a long time, I'm just going to admit a something my past self would CRINGE at.
I'm not the girl with her future perfectly mapped out.
I wasn't the girl to own a car by 25.
I wasn't the girl to establish a successful business by 26.
I'm not the girl who is going to have her Masters by 27.
I'm probably not going to be the girl to own a house by 28.
Creating a 5-year plan today sends me into a mental frenzy.
And you know what? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
For so long I've held this notion that if I didn't accomplish all of these things by now, I was a disgrace. I took pride in the optics of my pursuit to be that girl. Being anything less, in my eyes, equated to being a failure. When in retrospect, stubbornly adhering to these expectations and ignoring my intuition ( in many cases) was the true failure. Years passed and I didn't listen to my gut. I kept doing what I thought was garnering respect and "likes". And when my plans started unraveling , I shut down. I started to subconsciously tell myself I should "stay in my place". I started to believe that I deserved less or didn't deserve opportunities. When truly, things weren't working out because I wasn't pursuing them with genuine intentions that aligned to my true desires.
Do I want all of these things? Yes, but maybe not in the ways I've thought. All of these goals are phenomenal accomplishments, but regardless of whether they happen or not, I have to remember I still matter. I CAN bring value to conversations at the table. I AM capable of having an impact. I CAN still be happy. Just because I don't have them have them yet, shouldn't make me feel shy or embarrassed. I might not have it mapped out, but I'm trying to improve each and every day.
I'm half past afraid.
I'm not paralyzed. I'm building up courage and putting myself out there. Still working through insecurities and doubts. I don't have anything figured out and I'm not ashamed to admit it anymore. Because I'd rather be standing at this intersection with self-awareness, than to look up in 30 years and realize I lived a life that wasn't my own.
I hope whatever point you're at in life right now, you find the courage to live your truth too.
Be afraid and do it anyway.
Whatever "it" is for you.
Sending love and light always.