When You Know, You Know.

The salty sea air drifted across my face, bringing me back to reality. My chest felt constricted as I stared out at the sparkling water ahead. Children running, couples smiling, blissfully unaware that the summer sun had no impact on the iciness forming in my blood. I was drained beyond comprehension and at that moment it was very clear...


When you know, you know.

That's what they always say....yet we're never really prepared for all the moments we "know", but it's not what feels good. When we know it's going to hurt to do what we need to do. When we have to do something we're absolutely terrified of. We can try, but we're never truly prepared to face those moments... I think about that LA trip often. How I felt the imbalance swaying harder and harder. Almost like trying to combat a current pulling me in an opposite direction. Because well... when you know, you know.

So, why do we do it? Why do we keep going against what we "know" until it reaches a critical point?

The Good -

We have experiences and moments that remind us of the good. The times where we laughed, celebrated, dreamed together. Those times you can never take back, and the more you start to realize you'll lose those, it becomes harder to admit what you know.

Pride -

We don't want to fail. At least I didn't want to. I didn't want to be judged by those who understood my struggles. There's a stigma that comes along with failed relationships, particularly for women. I hate being perceived as weak and incapable. Though now, on the other side, I understand laying my pride down was and will forever be one of the greatest acts of strength I could exhibit in my life.

Fear -

At least once a day the thought crosses my mind " Time's ticking". We structure our lives around these timelines and biological clocks. Fear held me for a long time because of the fact that I'm afraid. What does the future look like? Will someone want me for who I am now? Will I reach the dreams I have for myself? There still is no answer today, but I'm simply taking it day by day and trusting the process.

They say "When you know, you know". And quite honestly, I don't feel like I know much these days with everything happening personally and in society. Though what I do know is that finally listening to that voice inside has allowed me to access new levels within myself. I feel the weight of a decision is absolved, allowing me to reconnect with Shelby. A soul that felt so far away for a while.


As much as you may be trying to convince yourself you don't know something, you do. "I don't know" is often a place filler to stay in a realm of comfort. You don't need to talk to anyone else further for validation. Because at the end of the day, it's you. It's your mind running wildly every single day. It's your heart aching as it longs for fulfillment. It's your time you are letting pass by.

No, it's never easy to admit, but when you know, you know.

And as painful as it is, I promise there is light to be felt on the other side.